in 2011 I decided I was going to write a little tidbit down everyday, just something that was on my mind, it literally could be anything. so I just found it and even though I didn’t make it everyday for the whole year I still put a lot out there and I don’t care if no one gives a shit about this, it reminded me of how different I was a few years ago and even if I wasn’t going through the biggest shit compared to other people a lot of it still felt like big shit to me and so now i’m going to do what I knew would be the toughest part of this and put it all out there. okay, yeah.
JANUARY
1. I always try to smile-things are easier that way
2. Everything in my house is so hostile. That’s the reason I come home late and leave all the time, because it’s too hard dealing with the state that everyone is in.
3. I’ve always told people I don’t want to get married and until yesterday that’s what I truly believed. But then when you started tearing up and said “What’s the point of doing all those things on your bucket list if you don’t have anyone to share it with? And plus, imagine what it would be like for her without the rest of us here. imagine what it’s going to be like for you without anyone. Do you think you would make it through?” and now I’ve changed my mind.
4. I’m never going to be that A+ student
5. I cried everyday for two months.
6. The only reason i like school is because when I’m doing busy work and thinking about learning, I forget about what’s happening for a little while.
7. It’s getting really hard to hold a conversation with people let alone my friends.
8. I’m really indecisive.
9. I hate driving.
10. It’s comforting to know that my dad won’t give up on me. I hate driving but he still makes me practice because he knows that it’s the only way i’ll ever be independent and he knows that’s what I want most one day.
11. I don’t like seeing everyone else as sad as I feel all the time. I just want to surround myself with happy care free people so I can feel better, but that seems to be more of a challenge than I was expecting.
12. I only eat food thats luke-warm. coffee,pasta,soup etc. If it’s even just a little hot I’ll wait for it to cool off.
13. I sleep sideways in my bed. Like not with the bed hot dog length, but instead hamburger wise.
14. I wish I had a stronger relationship with my sister.
15. There are a lot of things that i’ve been desensitized to. It makes me not care about alot of the things that i should be more worried about doing and people knowing about.
16. I want to wear more dressy clothes so I look and feel better.
17. I know you’re still in love with him, and he still has feelings for you too. Everyone can see it in the way you interact with each other still, and i’ve started to notice it too, I guess i’m not as oblivious anymore.
18. Sometimes i’m too nosy, and sometimes i’m too oblivious. Why can’t I find a decent point inbetween.
19. I’m not quite the person people see in me.
20. People found out about what happened really quickly. ofcourse the story was stretched, but it didn’t bother me let people think what ever the hell they want to.
21. I always read the last sentence of a book before i even start it.
22. ^that was what ruined harry potter for me, and the reason it took me two years to get over the fact that harry wasn’t going to die and still want to finish the book.
23. I hated the epilogue to Harry Potter.
24. I hope the world doesn’t end in 2012…JK Rolling promised a new prequel series to be released in 2014
25. The thing i don’t like about the rumors and drama is the awkward stares from people who think they just know everything.
26. I love being surrounded with pillows when i sleep.
27. I pick at my fingernails all the time.
28. I wish my life was jersey shore/UKskins
29. I want a tummy that I can show off with lots of crop tops in the summer
30. I’ve never missed someone that much, i think i didn’t know it at the time.
31. there is no better feeling than winning a debate and knowing it.
February
32. i wish there was a way to let him know how i feel without it being weird or awkward.
33. I talk alot but i don’t really actually tell people depthful things about myself.
34. i keep things bottled up and just feel weird when i try to talk to my friends about things that matter the most.
35. my favorite snack is popcorn and orange juice
36. I love the little dry patches on my arms. They make me feel like i might be turning into the black swan and I like that, regardless of how weird it sounds.
37. I want to dread my hair one day
38. a kindle doesn’t give me the same feeling as a real book.
39. I don’t do that.
40. When I buy my wedding dress, my dad is the only person that I want to come with me.
41. I don’t put salt or pepper on anything except soup and eggs.
42. I have a valentine this year.
43. I eat pasta almost everyday.
44. He sent me flowers. I’ve never gotten flowers from someone before.
45. i’m really scared of disappointing other people
46. after highschool I want to backpack around the world and do things on my own time.
47. when you told me I act like a chameleon, it really hit home. but i’m not sure how to change that.
48. I’m starting to become one of those people who just lives for the weekend. I can’t even get through sunday before thinking about what I want to do next weekend. This isn’t the person I want to be.
49. I love getting really into television shows and dedicating all my time to watching them on netflix.
50. I’m getting so excited for lacrosse season!
51. Gabe makes me feel guilty that I’m not as jewish as I could be.
52. I say sorry too much.
53. My favorite foods are pasta and icecream. and I love to drink sweet tea and coffee.
54. I love going to Annapolis with my dad
55. Boxing is actually really exciting to me
56. I’m going to prove that i’m strong enough to take a gap year by myself. dad doesn’t think i’d pull it off, challenge accepted
57. I want to chop all of my hair off into a pixie cut one day.
58. I tell myself that I want to get more organized and pull up my grades, but i’m just all talk.
59. I wish I didn’t have asthma
March
60. I want whiter teeth.
61. I’m failing two classes, but is doesn’t bug me.
62. I like to work sitting on my bed, in the dark, when it’s absolutely silent in the house. That way I have no distractions.
63. Sometimes I just want to take hard drugs.
64. All this talk about moving to Wilmington is making me kinda hyped. It wouldn’t be that bad.
65. my favorite celebrities are ke$ha and snooki
66. I want desperately to get in shape.
67. I wouldn’t mind working at hooters someday
68. I love that i weigh enough to donate blood now. 111.6 lbs
69. I love dancing even though i’m not very good at it
70. I want to learn how to long board for the summer
71. My favorite disney movie is the aristocats because of how sassy the girl is. and peter pan because he never has to grow up.
72. I deleted the secret that went here. I just can’t share it yet I guess.
73. I don’t like being high
74. my friends gave me the best birthday ever!
75. I’m starting to get adjusted to loosing sleep.
76. I miss eating a lollipop before school everyday like last year
77. I love the country
78. I sleep really weirdly
79. It was almost soothing talking to him tonight
80. Tonight was the first time I’ve seen my mom laugh and happy in a really long time.
81. But I know how easy it is to just put on a show for everyone, and i’m afraid she’s not as normal yet as she wants us to think.
82. The three worst things i’ve ever experienced are kind of the beginning middle and end of the process of dying. 1. when I walked outside and my mom was crying, it was just after she found out that my grandma had been diagnosed. 2. when we had to call 911 and they took her to the hospital in the ambulance. 3. The day we got up to New Jersey and watching her face light up for the last time when she knew that we were there with her.
83. I really like wearing baseball caps
84. I’m taking nova classes this summer
85. I don’t know what’s worse. The way it happened or my reaction to the situation.
86. I save all of our text conversations so I can remember every moment.
87. What I learned from you was that i’m very ready for an actually relationship with someone.
88. Seeing you wasn’t as good as I was expecting.
89. My heart beats so fast when I play lacrosse.
90. I think i’m winning the game so far, I just have to stay ahead.
April
91. I hate that you long board
92. Now you’re just toying with me.
93. At mcdonalds, I almost tricked myself into believing that things were back to how they used to be. Then you ran off with your other friends and I got a slap back to this reality.
94. I’m not in any hurry to grow up. I want to stay 16 for the rest of my life.
95. School and debate are just a joke this year
96. I think I can actually manage straight A’s this quarter.
97. I want to spend more time outdoors.
98. I’m so excited for california!
99. I’m glad that ariel made it to nationals and that it’s not the both of us going.
100. I’m going to do so much growing this summer, i think i’m on the verge of figuring out exactly who I am and this is going to be my time.
101. It’s nice when my mom acts like how things used to be sometimes.
102. I feel so much more productive in the wee hours of the morning, with a coffee in hand, music on, and everyone else asleep.
103. I constantly question peoples intentions.
104. It would be sorta neat to work for the CIA.
105. You’re the first guy who’s acted different, and that makes me so happy.
106. I got through my first AP class in one piece, and I feel really great about it.
107. I promise I’m going to do an ab routine every day.
108. USY is so much stress and drama. Youth group should not be this tough
109. I know you’re the one I actually like, it’s just going to take me a long time to show it i think.
110. I’m realizing that everything they say at lunch is more true than false.
111. If you can say that shit infront of me, I really do worry what you say behind my back.
112. I’m planning out every offensive bitchy thing I can say to you next time i see you.
113. I can’t stand it when you text me and then half ass the rest of a conversation, just give up.
114. I don’t really know what I want.
115. I wish I was smarter in everything.
116. It pisses me off when you’re really nice one day, and then an ass for no reason the next.
117. I love my toes, and my tongue
118. I’m trying to break my bad habits, one at a time.
119. You deleted my number and want nothing to do with me. that hurts alot.
120. i sleep with socks on.
June
121. if I could, i’d stay in high school forever. even though it sucks, because there’s no way the rest of the world can be much better.
122. I never brush my hair.
123. I love being sassy
124. The worst thing is not talking to someone for a while and finally having to delete every texting conversation we’ve ever had.
July
125. My job is EXTREMELY sketchy, but i love working there.
126. At least it’s getting easier to open up to people, but i guess now it’s getting tough realizing where to draw the line
127. I think I know what I want to do with my life.
August
128. it was everything I hoped for and now i’m wondering why it didn’t happen sooner.
129. I’ve realized that there are people who are even more oblivious than me.
130. I don’t know how to stay out of trouble
131. is it weird that you’re my pass code for a lot of things?
132. TOMS really upset me. it’s a good idea but not a practical movement.
133. I put orange juice in my tea.
September
134. I want to be cremated or at least have a very simple burial, with my hair laying free and no makeup on. I’ll lay in a pine box without any clothes and i’ll be pure.
135. apparently I need to ‘play the field’
136. Ofcourse i want to say that i don’t care, but it actually really does bug me when people talk about me.
137. I’m falling for the wrong guys, but still i’ll do it anyways
October
138. I’m supposed to be upset and angry about what happened but I don’t really care.
139. It was a weekend i can’t remember but i’ll never forget.
140. I’ve never had such an urge to lay in my bed all day everyday.
November
141. i’m addicted to coffee, no matter how cliche and stereotypical of a ‘too cool teen’ to say.
142. I wish i could sleep more.
143. I want a really guy friend who never finds me annoying who will be my best friend and more.
^144. I need a boyfriend point blank.
145. looking at colleges isn’t stressing me out, it’s just making me so excited for the future.
146. I’m really worried about my grades, but i don’t have the motivation to change my habits.
147. I wish I was good at knitting, and that i could make more than a dumb scarf.
148. I loved working, why did my parents make me quit?
149. needa new job, but i’m a lazy bum
150. I felt heartless when i ignored the homeless man, but then i felt so used when i gave him a hamburger and he already had three.
151. straight A’s and passing SAT’s starts NOW!
152. trust me, it sucks to suck.
153. I’m so glad we got to hangout this weekend. oh wait, NAHT„, because you’re too cool for me.
154. he is we is just opening so many old memories. #stuckonrepeat
155. my attitude makes a total 180 when i’m caffinated.
156. no shave november makes all the boys 80% more attractive.
157. it’s more like no school november.
158. I want two cats. then either an italian greyhound/boxer/great dane. then one day I want a little baby hedgehog.
159. I always like the ‘truth is’ statuses.
160. I was proud of myself for telling my dad I don’t think it’s important to marry someone Jewish.
161. I miss my grandparents everyday.
162. Spanish class is getting easier.
163. I’m glad I stayed in to watch movies and do homework.
164. bras are so damn awk.
165. I love christmas. and especially that i have ‘decorative’ lights in my room, they stay there all year round.
166. I can’t stand country music unless it’s the summer or it’s raining.
167. thank god for fire places.
168. I’m on the brink of changing my life a bit.
169. I have plans for my future. they’re awesome.
170. It would be really cool to finish everything on my bucket list.
DECEMBER
171. Watching my brother get upset is so frustrating, he really does have a tough life.
172. Thanksgiving wasn’t the same this year and that really bummed me out.
173. ^but it made me happy for what I still have.
174. This haircut is so damn sassy.
175. You really don’t want anything to do with me and that hurts. I wanted us to be best friends, but i don’t know if that’s what you ever even wanted.
176. we have really bad timing, why can’t things line up right?
177. I cried tonight. And I thought that wasn’t going to happen, but i’m still sad about my grandparents.
178. Sometimes i throw really big temper tantrums.
179. We didn’t really talk much or accomplish anything but just cuddling the other night was the best thing that’s happened in a while, thank you.
180. I love it when time moves really slowly.
181. ^Christanukkah felt like it lasted forever and that was the best.
182. The beach in december is the best place to be.
183. I think I look reallllly adorable with these pudgy cheeks.
184 .confessions of vicodin enhanced brainwaves: everything moves fast but slow and i’ve got so much on my mind. so much on this to do list. so muchhhhhhhhh nonsenseeeeee
185. I wish someone cared about me the way i see them care about other people.
186. my dad and I bicker so much.
187.. hell yeah i’m young and invincible
188. I wrote out my whole future in a word document, it might work out really well.
189. I can’t wait to be really fat when i’m old
190. I’ve never felt so respected or respectful of anyone in my life, thank you.
191. all of the elderly people in their wheelchairs wrapped up in blankets on the beach today just really made me wish grandma and grandpa were here again. they loved the ocean.
192. I love pandora (the website and the skins character)
193. cheap movies are my guilty pleasure.
194. breast feeding is beautiful
195. if i ever meet a genie in a bottle, my first wish would be for him to make it impossible for me to loose friends, only gain them.
